If possible, please forget and forgive my today's conduct towards you.... You simply take care... Nothing is more important that you to me.... Even not my life... You are already suffering to the maximum extent possible, and just like the most irresponsible and insensitive friend, instead of trying to reduce your pain, I have done everything possible to increase that...
Don't worry about me... I'll manage somehow...
I really wish that you never get to feel the pain I go through every time I revisit those days... It feel like end of my life... Some times I do feel that I must punish you the same way you have punished me, by submitting myself to some one unknown.
I like her, love her to the extent that I commit my mind and body to her. I'll chat with her, giggle, share all my thoughts and emotions and love to her. Call her my best friend. She will kiss me, touch me, hold me similarly like you. And I'll also discuss my divorce with her.
I will tell her that she looks like goddess Gurga. She looks so beautiful in Binddi. Tell her that I feel like flying when I hold her hands. I want to dance in the rain with her. I want to take shower together under a spring. I want to make her my pillow and sleep. And every other act of sensations which I have shared with only you till date, I would share with her.
I plea her to hold me tight and caress me for looooong before she utters a single word, if we meet after a long separation. Also let her know, "even if we got closer; much much closer later, but I still feel that her first kiss was the most amazing feeling of my life till date". Not able to forget that even after she is loooong gone.
I let her kiss my lips which you love the most, tell her that I love her the most in my soft voice that you get crazy about, let her put her head on my chest where you feel most secured. I let her sleep naked on my body just the way you love to do.
I would caress her in similar ways that I do to you.
I wish I can plan a office trip similar to the trips to Bangalore, and spend nights together in her arms like I did with you. I would kiss her lips, make her naked, admire her body, cherish her breasts. Play with them similarly I do with BV.
Also let her do the things which you always believed that you only do with me and feel proud about, for example sucking my penis, till it is rock hard in her beautiful hands. Throbbing and pulsating the way it does in only your hands. Afterwards I will put my manhood, which you believe is only and only yours and die for and take pride of, into her vagina. I would make long passionate love to her lying on top of her. When the naked body of your Adonis will be pressing against her naked body, penetrating her all the way, till she feels suffocatingly happy, kissing my sweating face and body vigorously, holding and clutching my body with her strength less arms, she will orgasm on YOUR manhood.
And I'll will forget even whether I have ejaculated into her or not. But in case you ask me, I will try to confirm that by validating the fact by saying, "I must have not ejaculated into her. I must have ejaculated elsewhere. Otherwise she would have been pregnant by me, as we were not using any condoms while having sex."
But don't worry, I'll only indulge only twice. But I will call her to my empty flat more that once. Hope you will be able to relate because you also been to my empty flat more than once.
And to complete the story, I will suppress everything from you... And make sure you dig out all the details yourself to know that how much I loved her, How much thoughts we have shared, How much involved we were, I desperately I still miss her, miss her touches, miss her kisses, even after she was gone long back and even when I already have you in my life...
Hope I could have done all these... Hope I would have got a chance to say "It was not Lust, neither was a love. I loved only YOU, always and all ways, so what if I have submitted myself so loosely to others, even before I'm certain about the intensity of my relationship. Because that time you were not there!!!"
But alas I'll never be able to do that, I'll never be able to make you feel, because I'm a old fashioned guy who will not even let anyone touch him until he is certain that he can die for that woman. And I'll never rejoice any relationship after several years of it's closer, and when I have already found my best fiend around, if not my lover. For me, if I feel that it was a mistake and I have closed it, I'll never ever revisit that place in my life. You will not understand, because you belong to a different school altogether.
I know and believe you have changed. I believe that from the deep of my heart. But some scratches are so deep, takes a lifetime to heal. I'm trying, and I'll heal it in time.
Take care... Love you... Helplessly...
